The mats may not lie, but the people rolling on them definitely do. We jiu-jitsu practitioners might appear to be more honest than many folks, but don’t be fooled: we fib to our teammates, our spouses, our doctors, and especially ourselves. If you haven’t let all of these white lies roll off your tongue yet, I can guarantee it’s only a matter of time before you do.
“Sure, doc. I can avoid training for a few weeks. I’ll definitely last longer than two days before the itch to drill that cool new move overwhelms me and I end up putting my gi on again. I totally take my injury as seriously as I should, and you can rest assured I won’t be finding creative ways to train without hurting myself even worse.”
“That was my foot squeaking against the mat. What, you really think I couldn’t take a knee-on-belly without farting? No, I don’t smell anything. Why?”
“I can afford that new gi. I know I just blew a bunch of money on tournament entry fees and promised myself they’d be the last jiu-jitsu-related expenses I’d be making for a while, but it’s limited edition, and one of my gis looks like it might tear soon, and who needs food and electricity anyway, right?”
“I love takedowns. Number-one takedown fan, that’s me. You’ll never catch this kid pulling guard or doing the butt-scootin’ boogie, no sir.”
“Just one more video and then I’m going to bed. I can be trusted to stay away from the ‘related’ videos on the sidebar, even though they look like they’d complement this technique perfectly. I also don’t need to know the counter to this move, and I certainly have no desire to see five variations of it.”
“I’m only going to class tonight to watch. I’ve trained every day for the past ten days, and I know my body needs to rest. I refuse to be swayed by my teammates or the promise of a cool new technique.”
“You bet your sweet cinnamon buns I’m ready for that tournament in three days. Sure, I’m ten pounds heavier than the weight class I want to be in, but I can starve myself for 48 hours and cry out all the extra water weight.”
“Let’s just go light this round. I’m feeling pretty tired, and I swear I injured my left nostril yesterday. You can trust that I won’t suddenly decide to go 110 percent while you’re rolling at 40 percent.”
“I’m sitting this one out because I’m tired. It’s not because I’m pretty sure your gi has never seen the inside of a washing machine and I’m worried I’ll vomit if I roll with you.”
“Just try one class and I’ll never bother you about it again. You’ll never hear me try to convince you how amazing jiu-jitsu is. I’ll stop sending you articles about how jiu-jitsu changes lives. I’ll never again do that thing where I say I’m driving you to the bar but actually end up driving us to the gym.”
“Of course I love you more than jiu-jitsu, babe. If I had to choose between you or jiu-jitsu, there’s a 100 percent chance I would pick you. Okay, maybe 90 percent. 75 percent. Definitely at least a 50 percent chance I’d pick you.”
“I’m fine. It’s just a flesh wound. Possibly a tendon wound. My elbow is always swollen and purple. I could bend it if I wanted to.”
“I was not an embarrassing fangirl/boy at that seminar. Sure, the instructor is basically the Michael Jordan of jiu-jitsu, and sure, I’ve watched all his videos and liked all his Instagram posts and stayed up at ungodly hours just to watch the live streams of his tournament matches, but I’m pretty casual. I only hyperventilated when he complimented my triangle defense because this gym doesn’t have good air circulation.”
“I let him have that submission. What, you think that I, a powerful purple belt, would ever tap to the armbar of a lowly white belt? Pah! I was merely boosting his confidence. Now excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom to pee and not question my entire jiu-jitsu career while crying.”
“Got it. This technique is forever etched into the crinkles of my brain. My teammates merely adopted it, but I was born into it, molded by it. I will not need a personal step-by-step demonstration the moment I pair off with my partner and realized I forgot the whole thing in ten seconds.”
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