There is lot of great advice out there these days on how to achieve success in jiu-jitsu and become a positive member of the BJJ community.
But what if that’s not really your deal? What if you’re kind of a jerk, and you want to bring your jerkery to the mats?
Below are some useful tips to help you keep your jerk streak alive during your jiu jitsu journey.
Practice
For starters, go hard as hell every round. Forget that your “opponent” is also a teammate and treat the practice session like you’re in the ADCC finals. Never let a lower rank score on you, especially if it might help him, and resist tapping even in potentially dangerous situations. If it comes down to hurting someone to avoid losing, by all means do so. Priority one is to be the best guy in your school, so pick partners who seem really fatigued (after you’ve rested). Oh, and if you tap a higher rank, be sure to tell everyone (but DO NOT mention the previous 500 times that he tapped you). Most important: If a lower rank beats you, pretend you let him have it.
Online
Make sure that most of your posts mention your instructor by name. This can be quite valuable if he’s well-known and you’re not –– and may help with future promotions. And don’t just mention him casually, like you’re being grateful and trying to help his school. Instead, get really weird with it and use words like “master” and “father figure.” Reflect on how blessed you are to even be around the guy and make sure that, with or without supporting evidence, you indicate he is the best and is somehow sharing something secret with you which is unavailable to other practitioners.
Tournaments
For starters, just don’t go to tournaments. If you do go, try not to compete (just coach and corner*). If you have to compete, enter divisions with very few competitors (preferably only one – you). If you do poorly, DO NOT mention the results. Instead, share misleading pictures with you in advantageous positions and zoom in on any podium pics so no one can tell you’re standing alone. If you end up competing and win a match, be sure to celebrate like a jackass. Pretend you’ve just won the Super Bowl or a multi-million-dollar lottery jackpot.
*While coaching, be sure to incessantly yell really obvious instructions.
Seminars
Just like tournaments, seminars are best avoided. Attending them at all gives the impression that the instructor may know more than you, and you always run the risk that someone will want to roll with you afterwards. This presents the possibility that you lose, and people find out just how good you aren’t. If you absolutely must attend a seminar, make it known that you’re injured to forestall the aforementioned. Also, be sure to point out how you would counter what the instructor shows and/or how it just wouldn’t work against a resisting opponent –– but do this quietly (preferably just to your students) so the instructor has no opportunity to respond.
And for some bonuses…
Techniques
Take full credit for as many techniques as possible. Disregard the fact that people have been wrestling for 15,000 years and claim that you invented any technique that you slightly alter.
School
If you operate a school, adopt an isolationist approach. Discourage your students from training elsewhere and remind them that your jiu-jitsu is superior. DO not bring in outside instructors.
Other Styles
Be sure to bad mouth any martial art that is not ground-based. Repeat over and over that “most fights end up on the ground” and forget that they all start standing.
Gi
If you exclusively train in the gi, point out that no real fights take place without some clothing. Avoid no-gi players because they could beat you at their game.
No-Gi
If you exclusively train no-gi, point out that no one on the street or in MMA wears a kimono. Avoid gi players because they could beat you at their game.
Josh Stockman is an IBJJF No-Gi Worlds Gold Medalist, an Arizona State Champion, and a nine-time NAGA winner. He teaches jiu jitsu and Hatha Yoga in Phoenix and is a BJJ Black Belt competing for Undisputed/Team Shawn Hammonds. You can follow him on Instagram: @yogamusheen
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