After re-reading this today, I realised that some might read something into this that was not intended, that I might be speaking negatively regarding my coach at the Dungeon, who’s decision it was to give me the stripes and to award me my blue belt.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I am honoured that I received my stripes and belt and my first years of initiation into BJJ under Aaron and the other coaches at the Dungeon. This piece I wrote about ME and MY failing. No one else’s.
(Disclaimer- this is MY experience and I know not every one will experience this. But it might help someone else as it is helping me to write it as I am finding it very cathartic.)
I have something to confess –
I am suffering with the Blue Belt Blues at the moment and I am struggling to motivate myself to train. Its MY FAULT – its MY ATTITUDE. I know this but it still happens.
I train at an awesome gym with great lads and great coaches who are great guys. I’ve only got myself to blame for these doubts and insecurities but as I have discovered I am not the only one to suffer from the Blue Belt Blues.
It seems it is a phenomena within BJJ. Well, I certainly fall into this category!!!
When I am training, I doubt every move I make, I second guess myself (although I always did and always will), I don’t feel I have a ‘game’ anymore, and I put pressure on myself whether facing a white belt or a purple belt.
Being slightly older than most on the mats also has its difficulties. I injure much easier these days and when a young white belt with more strength than Hercules and stronger grips than Dana White holds on, the UFC gets hold of me as I start thinking of what I’m going to do and trying to stay 2-3 steps ahead and trying to run through every possible permutation of what he might do, but I’m mainly thinking ‘DONT GET INJURED, DONT GET INJURED’.
I also take longer to recover. Gone are the days I can train Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Triday!!! If I train Tuesday, my body struggles to recover for Thursday’s session, which severely hampers training and progression, which then assists the downward spiralling ‘blues’.
When I first started as a white belt, the learning curve was steep. Very steep.
But I loved every session regardless of getting tapped numerous times. When we did ‘specifics’ and I faced higher belts or even white belts with stripes, I was lucky to make it out of the first minute.
Then I started to get stripes. I was most proud of the first one. I felt like I had just been given a black belt, and in the gym I trained initially at The Dungeon.
When you get a stripe, you DEFINITELY deserved it. The Dungeon is NOT a gym that hands out stripes like candy. You had to EARN it.
However I got back on the mats and still I loved it and still I got tapped. But I started to get some “game.” My game, it wasn’t a good game, but it was my game. I got stripes 2 and 3 pretty close together, mainly I think due to competing in competition and getting golds and silvers in most of them.
I still loved training and was still not putting pressure on myself and none was put on me by others. I could just train and enjoy, and if I got tapped, I didn’t feel like an absolute failure. Little comments would then start from my teammates:
“You must be due your blue soon!”
“Next seminar, you should be getting promoted.”
All of a sudden BANG – EXPECTATION AND PRESSURE.
Suddenly rolls that should be just a nice enjoyable roll were becoming more competitive and put more pressure on me to submit my opponents.
WHY?
Nothing had changed.
But suddenly there was an expectation that I shouldn’t be tapped easily; I should be the one submitting. I should be the one passing guard. I should be one sweeping. With the expectations came nerves: being nervous of getting it wrong and letting myself and others down. Letting down the stripes on my belt.
Then suddenly, I got my 4th stripe, which was a total surprise as I didn’t feel I deserved it.
(That said i didn’t truly feel like I deserved any of my stripes including the one I have on my blue belt. Just as I started to feel a tiny bit comfortable, I got my first stripe, which took my out my comfort zone)
“I DON’T DESERVE IT YET! CAN YOU WAIT A FEW MORE MONTHS PLEASE?” I wanted to shout to my coach. But that’s just not done!
I then got my second.
“But coach, I have only just started to feel like I maybe deserve the first one. Can you wait a few months please?”
I got my third. I wanted to say to my coach:
“Okay coach. Look, I still don’t feel like I deserve my second stripe. I also don’t feel like I am worthy of it yet, so giving me a third doesn’t feel right yet. I feel like the first one now fits me like a glove and I’m comfortable in it when I walk on the mats. Can you wait to give me the third one please? The pressure is starting to spoil my game and make me nervous.”
I didn’t say it out loud to him of course.
When I got my fourth, the pressure ramped up as did the expectation. Suddenly, I was expected to do better, The little comments about ‘being promoted’ also ramped up. I honestly said on many occasions to my friends on the mats, “I don’t want blue yet. I don’t deserve it.”
I wasn’t just saying it; I meant it. Funnily enough, I still mean it.
WHY?.
Because since getting my blue belt, I haven’t improved. If anything, I’ve gone backwards. I seem to have forgotten so much. Basic sweeps, passes, and submissions – I can’t remember them. Not just in the heat of the moment on the mats – I CANT REMEMBER THEM AT ALL!!!
When I got my blue belt at a large inter-club competition, I was pleased, over the moon, ecstatic. I was so proud of myself, but I still didn’t feel I deserved it (especially as I lost my one and only fight that day!!!)
I saw others getting their blue and purple belts and thinking, “Yeah, they definitely deserve this promotion. Well done!” But when my name was called out and I didn’t expect it to be, I was actually hoping that my name wasn’t called out to be honest.
So I got my blue belt and got back on the mats and from day one. When I walked onto the mats with that blue belt around my waist, I felt different. I felt pressure. I felt like there was now an expectation that no white belt was allowed to tap me, and if they did, then I am a disgrace.
The pressure I have felt since receiving my blue belt has taken all the fun out of jiu-jitsu for me, and I desperately want it back, which is why I am still training and still trying to get it back.
Its like since I’ve got my blue belt all my belief and all my confidence in my game has disappeared, which in turn has totally ruined the fun aspect of jiu-jitsu for me.
Plus being a blue belt, the large target on my back can be slightly disconcerting. White belts are determined to destroy you and scalp you. And although you pretend there is no ego and no problem with a white belt tapping a blue belt – THERE IS – there is pride.
Because I am older than most of the guys on the mats, I can’t do the things that I once could and that they still can.
I don’t have strength to match them, However, I don’t feel I have the technique either!! Again self doubts plague me every time I get on the mats.!!
No progression + Getting older + Slower recovery + Expectations + Pressure = PLATEAU = NOT ENJOYING JITZ ANYMORE!!!
BUT I WANT TO!!!
SO WHAT DO I DO???????
BECAUSE I REFUSE TO QUIT!!! AT LEAST NOT YET!!!!!!
I have read a few articles including the ones below, which are helping me ‘GET PERSPECTIVE’.
But if anyone can offer me any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
I don’t want to ever stop training BJJ, and I hope I can work through this horrible patch of self doubt, no confidence, no game, no fun, and pressure.
SO TO EVERYONE I TRAIN WITH FROM WHITE BELT TO BLACK, FROM YOUNG TO OLD, I DONT CARE IF YOU TAP ME. I CAN ONLY DO WHAT I CAN DO RIGHT THEN AT THAT MOMENT. AND IF YOU TAP ME, GOOD ON YOU. I HAVE TO TAKE ALL THE PRESSURE OFF MYSELF SO I CAN START ENJOYING JITZ ONCE AGAIN.
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